Pam Weaver
Pam is the voice of untainted music. Her passion for music started at a young age, when she started taking piano lessons. Even though she resented being made to take the lessons, she now thanks her parents for putting her on that path. Once in high school, Pam decided to study voice, and continued that direction in college. Many varied experiences followed, and added fuel to the fire of Pam's passion to share her heart through music. Her personal story, as she tells it, is this:
"I was raised in a wonderful Christian home that gave me all that I could need. I was loved and taken care of like all children should be. Even so, there were some things that happened in my life that stained me deep inside. I created huge walls around me that NO ONE was getting through.
My birth mother could not raise me, and so I ended being adopted from birth by a doctor and his wife. As an adoptee, this already set me up to have issues of rejection, betrayal, and abandoment. I struggled for years with the voice inside my head that told me people were going to walk away and turn their back on me at any moment.
This only served to make the walls thicker, because I did not want any more hurt piled up inside.
As a young girl there is one memory that helped cement the lies that I believed for so many years. It is so vivid it seems like it happened just yesterday. As a four year old child I was trying to tell someone something of utmost importance, at least it seemed that way to my young mind. But as I tried to talk, the listener did not take the time to turn around and listen to my words. I remember it to this day, the way my shoulders sagged, and the broken look my face must have held.
At that moment, a root was created. It was one that ruled my life for 28 more years.
I was convinced that no one wanted to hear my words.
That no one wanted to hear my emotions.
That what I felt inside was invalid, and did not matter.
I fell deep within myself after that. Any anger, sadness, hurt, or pain was stuffed so far down, I wondered if it could ever be found. I used to be proud of the fact that I never cried. Until my heart almost broke from the need to cry, and I couldn't. I was lost within myself in a tangle of false beliefs and lies.
Eventually, after years of hiding inside, the pressure started to boil over. In order to feel better, I turned to cutting. The physical pain on the outside was easier to deal with than the emotional pain on the inside. It got to the point that I had sunk so low, and was so depressed, that as I was driving with my two small children one day, I wanted to run away. I actually got in the car and drove for 45 minutes before I realized I forgot my wallet and had no money with me. If I would have had money, I might have left and never come back. But, I had to come home. On the way though the pain and depression got to be so intense that I picked up a knife in the car and was going to cut myself to relieve it. But then, I looked in the rearview mirror, and saw my children. In that moment, I said to myself, "NO! I cannot give my children the image of their mom cutting." So, I drove on home.
Shortly after that, I started my 3 year journey of healing. Through that time of counseling I dealt with my depression, my fears, and my pain. And yes, I even was able to cry.
Now, I have become a new person. Ask my husband of 15 years...he'll tell you! I love life, and have chosen life.
I have also found my voice.
Because of the lies that I believed, my voice was stuck inside for most of my life. I simply could not speak at times because of the lie that "people don't want to hear what I have to say." I also could not sing with the passion and depth that God gave me as a person. My fears about words crept into all aspects of my life. But now, God has given me a freedom that I never knew existed. I can sing and speak with HIS confidence, knowing that He has created me for a purpose. He gave me a voice not so I could be silent. But so that I could SING! So that I could lift my voice to Him in worship and praise.
My challenge to everyone is this: don't be afraid of your voice. Don't be ashamed of your story.
God has given each of us a unique story and a unique voice. In telling your story, in using your voice, you shed light on the darkness, and allow God to use his healing powers in your life.
Be strong and courageous!
Take a stand today, and declare:
I WILL NOT BE SILENT ANY MORE!!!
I have.
Will you?"
--pam